the heart of the issue

One thing that has become very clear to me so far this year is..... I do not have a heart for children. its another of my great downfalls. they're great, they're a blessing, but it is safe to say that i am SO GLAD i do not have them and do not plan to have any. ever. the weird thing is that i have spent most of my adult life working with children [save a brief stint in retail. fml.] i was a camp counselor. i was a nanny. i worked at an elementary school. i am currently working at a community center where i both tutor and run a daycamp for urban children. ["urban children" is code for Hellions with Excuses] whats so hard about constantly working with kids is that i'm good at it. i'm kooky and crazy and, lets be honest, my goals are the same as a kids goals: to have fun, get a snack and to be a rockstar. [three more downfalls in one sentence....] while my program requires me to keep working at After School Program, I've been giving a lot of thought to what i'll do after Camp ends and i'm no longer required to be with children everyday, all day.

This has led to me wonder: what do i have a heart for? and thus, how can i do that for monies? i came to one conclusion, which led me to another conclusion. conclusion number one: i love homeless people. i'm not sure if homelessness is a big problem in tacoma or if i just hang out in places where they hang out, but it seems like i can hardly walk from my car to a coffee shop without finding a homeless person. you can't visit a park without a homeless veteran asking for money to go buy a cigarette. i'm not sure why i love them so much, but i do. there is something about them. maybe its the way that simple things like a cigarette or a sandwich mean the world to them. maybe its that they value your conversation and their words aren't vacant. i'm not sure. but i really feel like i want them to be a significant part of my life. but thinking about homeless people so much got me wondering. the conclusion i came to?

broken people. i am drawn towards people that are stereotypically "broken". i have to desire to fix them and make myself feel good about such a great accomplishment. nor do i want to compare myself to them just to feel awesome about myself. i simply love them. maybe its because i see myself in them. i love the "dirty rotten sinner" in them and am reminded of the dirty rotten sinner in myself that subsequently, christ cherishes. maybe its because i see value in their struggles, that their "vices are virtues", as M Scott Peck puts it. i'm not sure.

the older i get [i turn 21 on wednesday!] the more i feel like a "normal" life is just not for me. my dreams don't involve houses or cars, surely not a lot of money. i'm not too certain what that means yet or how that will play out. but its the present that prepares me for my future, whatever that may hold, so its important that i focus on the now. the now means that i deal with the stupid problems like upset roommates, being underfunded and having to work with children. everyday. all day. i will have to trust God and be certain that He'll send me somewhere awesome... hopefully there is a funny beard-man there too....